What we should just say
by annaxlilith
Summary: We often don’t know what we have until it is suddenly gone. What happens when Meredith gets hurt in a horrific car accident? Will she ever recover and be able to go back to her old life or will she end up paralyzed in a wheel chair not able to move? MerDer Set around season ten but they don’t have any kids and Cristina is already in Switzerland.
1. How did we end up like this?

**Authors Note: **This is my first FanFiction, AU or whatever you want to call it. I have already finished the first three chapters so hopefully I will be able to update this story every week.

I wish you a lot of fun reading this. : )

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters in any way.

* * *

_ Sometimes we refuse others to help us. Sometimes we just don't want their help. But that is not because we don't need it. We refuse help when we most urgently need it, and that's because we are scared. Scared that if we share our pain with others, it will only grow bigger. Scared that if we show our vulnerability to the outside world, the suffering will only increase. We are scared of having to face the fact that we are not invulnerable and are dependent on other people's help._ \- Meredith Grey

* * *

"How are you feeling Mer?" Derek asks as he catches up with his wife, who obviously didn't expect him. "Oh got Derek, you frightened me!" She responds, "I'm totally fine." Derek is not satisfied by that answer "you always say that you are fine, but you know when you use a word too often, it loses its meaning." Derek pauses to take in the look of a totally broken Meredith and then continues. "You should get new tests done. I can't stand seeing you suffer so much." Meredith looks up at him and starts talking again: "But Derek I really am fine, and we have talked about this before, I don't want any more tests done. It doesn't do us any good." She is interrupted by the sound of a pager going off "I have to leave now, but Derek STOP worrying about me!" Meredith exclaims as she takes off to the surgical wing.

* * *

"Close up for me Ross," Dr Grey says as she starts to pull off her surgical gown in a haze. She had been in surgery for the past five hours, and her body is becoming sore. She feels unbearable pain in her back and almost trips out of the OR. While scrubbing out, her feet are becoming numb, and the pain is getting worse. She tries to hold herself up by supporting herself on the sink but fails to do so.

Derek steps into the scrub room to congratulate his beautiful wife for such a brilliant surgery. But before he can start talking, he sees how she winces in pain and is sitting on the cold, hard floor. He knows that she has been in discomfort for a long time now, and he knows what is going on, so he says with a lot of pity in his voice while helping her up to a bench: "Mer, sit down, I'll get you your wheelchair."

He runs off to his office. It hurts him to see the love of his life suffer so much, especially when he knows that there might be a chance to help her. That there might be a way to end her misery.

* * *

As he gets back, Alex is sitting next to Meredith rubbing her back trying to lighten the pain she has been suffering from for a long time now. Derek hands her her medication before he lifts her up into the wheelchair. She groans in pain, and he can see how Alex is making a face by that. "Meredith please let me take some new scans" Derek begs, "we might be able to find a solution to all this." Meredith looks up at him, she wants to contradict but is too tired to argue and knows that her husband is right.

* * *

** Flashback** (about one or two years earlier)

Meredith finally woke up after her alarm had been ringing for half an hour. It was 5:30 when she got up. She went to take a quick shower and made herself a cup of coffee. Meredith hadn't slept well and still felt sick from all the tequila she drank the night before. She didn't want to go to work. That was not because she didn't like her job, she loved surgery. She was a well-known general surgeon who people admired for her grade work and focus on nothing but the patient. It was just that she had a feeling that something might go wrong that day. When she was finally ready to leave her shift had already started 10 minutes ago, so she hushed into her car and out of the parking lot.

* * *

**At the hospital:**

"Incoming trauma from car-crash" Hunt yelled as Bailey, Webber, Kepner, Shepard, Torres and Altman entered the ER.

When the ambulances pulled up into the ambulance bay, Meredith was still not there. "Where the hack is Grey?" Bailey shouted. "I don't know, I paged her twenty minutes ago," Hunt replied. Derek got worried, Meredith was usually never late. He didn't see her for the past 24 hours as he was on call this morning and in surgery when she left the night before. "Jane Doe around 30 years old, obvious trauma to the left knee," the paramedic started. "Possible spinal injury and internal bleedings, she kept slipping in and out of consciousness until she finally crashed on the way to the hospital, we were able to bring her back though," he finished. As they pulled out the stretcher Dr Bailey attempted to examine the patient. A worried look started to appear on her face. How could this have happened again? She thought. Then she yelled out to Hunt: "Page Nelson!" Derek was confused, why should they have wanted to page Nelson, they literally call him "Shadow Shepherd" and Derek was the head of neuro, so why should he have been any less capable of doing this consult than Nelson was? Derek's thoughts were interrupted by someone saying: "Oh my god, this is not a Jane Doe, this is Meredith Grey!" His world shattered as he heard somebody shout: "Get me a crash card here, she is coding again!"


	2. Awful things happen

**Authors Note:** Hey guys I'm back with the second chapter, this is still a flashback and it is probably going to stay that way until the storyline has caught up with time.

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately I do still not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters in any way.

I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and I'll be back with the third chapter next week.

* * *

_ Awful things happen, we can't control them and there is no way to stop them. The thing is, bad things do not only happen to bad people. You can be the nicest person on earth and still die because you got up in the morning and life just wasn't on your side that day. While someone who is a serial killer might live through their life without ever getting a single bruise. There is just no such thing as Karma. If there was, I had to have had murdered hundreds of people because painful incidences seem to be magnetically drawn by me. - _Meredith Grey

* * *

They had to intubate Meredith and give her multiple units of AB do to the great blood loss she suffered from. They hushed her into CT as fast as possible. They couldn't lose her, Derek couldn't lose her. Not after all they had been through. It took so long until she overcame her commitment issues and was finally able to trust Derek. But then there was Addison and her mother, and they were right back to where they had started. Now that they were finally happy, this idiot of a drunk driver had to come around and destroy everything. He was not even severely injured and would probably get away with a broken arm or something like that. Derek couldn't stop himself from wishing that man had died. It was not him thinking, it was the rage that pulled through every vein of his body. He knew that he shouldn't wish for a man to die. He was a doctor. He knew it wasn't right but neither was it right that his once so dark and twisted wife, who was finally able to let him into her life would now probably have to face a very long and painful recovery if she even pulled through. This time she had to swim. This time she might not be as lucky as when the ferryboat incident happened. This time she might not come out alive, even if she only let go for a second.

The scans showed that Meredith liver and spleen were bleeding and that her left knee was sprained. They showed as well that she had a spinal fracture and dislocation and possible damage to the spinal cord at T5 to T6. All of her doctors and friends knew that if they didn't get her into an OR fast she would end up either paralyzed or dead. They didn't know what would be worse, because for Meredith surgery was everything and if she ended up paralyzed she might never ever be able to operate again. She might even wish she had died.

* * *

Alex and Derek were sitting in front of the OR in which they were just slicing open the one person they both loved so much. „Meredith is strong, she will get through this" Alex said more to convince himself than to convince Derek. „She always comes out alive," he pauses to take in a deep breath „she can't die now." Although Alex had started dating Jo he was afraid. Meredith and he always had a special connection, she just got him. And since Christina left for Switzerland there were only him and Meredith. He couldn't be the only intern left. He needed Meredith to live.

* * *

When Dr Bailey came to update Derek on Meredith's condition, he wasn't even able to listen. He was in shock. How could this have happened to his Meredith? Hadn't she already suffered enough? Wasn't the bomb, the drowning, the shooting and the plane crash enough? Not even to start with her horrible childhood. Meredith was a strong person but she wasn't invincible nor were any of the people whose lives would change so drastically if she died. Derek was scared that at some point she would just break and that then there would be no glue strong enough to put her back together.

Alex had left. He couldn't just sit there and wait for the confirmation that yet another person had just disappeared out of his life. He couldn't let that happen again. He went to an on-call room to get some sleep, but he couldn't close his eyes, because every time he tried to do so he was confronted with pictures of Meredith drowning or holding a bomb in her hand each time she seemed to be a little closer to death. After two hours Alex had given up, there was no chance of him falling asleep as long as he didn't know for sure that Meredith would live. That she wouldn't end up in the morgue as O'Malley did.

* * *

Since neither Alex nor Derek had really listened to Bailey they missed that she told them, that they had had successfully fixed Meredith's liver and had been able to proceed with a splenectomy, but Dr Nelson was still working on her spinal cord, and that was a lot of pressure for him. He knew that none of the other doctors would ever even consider thinking for a second that he could ever perform a surgery as good as Dr Shepherd. He knew that if he wasn't able to fix the nerves he would end the career of one of his own colleagues but more importantly of one of "their" colleagues. If this didn't work, Meredith Grey would never be able to walk or even stand again and therefore probably never be able to perform surgery ever again. That would most likely not improve the way his colleagues looked at him. He had known that they called him "Shadow Shepherd", he was okay with that, but he wouldn't be known as the surgeon who is not even closely as good as his boss anymore, no he would be known as the person who ended the career of Meredith Grey one of the greatest surgeons in the country when not even in the entire world and for that it didn't even matter whether he screwed this up or if there was simply no way to fix the nerves.

* * *

Meredith surgery was supposed to have been finished, but Derek couldn't find her. He had looked for her in every part of the ICU and at the OR but she wasn't there. He couldn't think clearly. The only place he could come up with where he hadn't already looked was the morgue. He was scared to go there because if he saw the love of his life lying there so lifeless in a cadaver pouch, he couldn't see himself getting back from that.

Bailey was on her way to an on-call room. Meredith surgery had been exhausting, it lasted for over 14 hours. They brought her to CT right afterwards to be sure that they didn't miss anything. When Bailey stopped in front of the on-call room she catches sight of Derek crying. She was confused, she knew that this certainly wasn't easy for him but they completed the surgery successfully, so why wasn't he with her? "What happened?" Derek asked trying to wipe off his tears. "I looked for her, for Meredith" he sobbed "She wasn't in the ICU nor in the Or. So what the hell happened?" His voice didn't sound desperate anymore like before, it was filled with rage. "We broad her to CT after surgery, she should be in her room now," Bailey replied. Before she could say anything else Derek had run off back to the ICU.


	3. Coma

**Authors Note:** So this is the third chapter of "What we should just say" I haven't been able to write that much lately due to a report I had to do for school but I have finished the fourth chapter and hopefully be able to find some time to write more this week. As always have fun reading and if you like it I would really appreciate a review;)

**Disclaimer:** Since I still don't own any parts of Grey's Anatomy I started to become pessimistic about ever owning them, but will Derek be able to remain optimistic while the Meredith is recovering? Read to find out.

* * *

_People often say that if someone is in a coma it looks just as if they were asleep, but although I am known as an optimist I really can't see that. For me, it looks much more as if they were dead because I can't look past all these tubes and wires that are keeping people alive. I can't see the peaceful slumber everyone is talking about, not when it is about her. Then the only things I can see are machines breathing and doing other stuff to prevent the love of my life from dying. __\- _Derek Shepherd

* * *

When Derek entered Meredith's room he could almost not recognize that fragile, still intubated person in front of him. She didn't look like Meredith, well she did but not like his Meredith. She looked so lifeless as if somebody had just come and pulled all energy left out of this small human being. She had tubes and wires all over her body and was wearing a spinal brace, as well as a cast on her left leg. Derek suddenly realized that he hadn't talked to any of her doctors. He did not know a single thing about her condition. He got afraid, what if she never woke up? What if he would never be able to look into those beautiful grey eyes ever again? Just for a second, he started to think, what if she had stopped swimming? What if she gave up again? But he knew he couldn't think like this because Meredith needed him to be strong for her. She needed him to believe in her. She needed him to be her knight in shining armour.

Just as Derek had started sitting down in the chair next to her hospital bed an intern entered the room. He took Meredith vitals and changed some settings on her machines. He noticed how the man sitting next to his patient was staring at him, it made him anxious, so as soon as he was finished with the exams the intern exited the room quickly.

* * *

Two hours later Derek had fallen asleep with his head on the hospital bed and his hand in Meredith's. It was in the middle of the night when Alex entered the room. He hadn't seen Meredith ever since she was brought up for surgery. He didn't know that the only other intern left was laying there in that bed so vulnerable that she could fall apart by the lightest touch. He wanted to tell her that she couldn't give up, that she had to fight, that he needed her but he thought to himself that it was pointless, she was in a coma and although it was medically induced, he knew she wouldn't be able to hear him.

* * *

As Dr Bailey, Dr Webber, Dr Torres and Dr Nelson came into the room of the ICU, where one of their colleges was lying unconscious in a hospital bed, they weren't surprised to find Dr Shepherd sound asleep in an uncomfortable chair, however they were surprised to find Dr Karev laying on the hard floor. He started to wake up by the noises the doctors made while entering the room. They didn't want to awake Derek, because if they did so, he would probably not close an eye until Meredith was out of the hospital, but they had no choice.

* * *

Derek was still tired, he had only slept for five hours in the last three days, but when he realised where he was, and why he was there, he was wide awake. Bailey and Webber told them about the splenectomy, the damage her liver had suffered from and the amounts of blood she had lost due to that. Then Dr Torres continued and talked about the surgery she did on Meredith's knee. Last to present was Dr Nelson. He was scared, not because he had made any mistakes, he hadn't, the surgery went textbook. He was scared because there was no way of knowing the results of this procedure, up until the patient had awakened. So he started talking, "I repaired the spinal cord as good as possible. We don't know whether the damage was great enough to paralyze her" he stammered, "and we won't know until she wakes up." Dr Nelson looked down to the floor and then continued, "If she wakes up and can't feel or move her feet anymore, that does not mean it has to be permanent." He looked over to his boss, the world-renown neurosurgeon who was definitely not able to understand a single word that was just said, not in that particular moment, in that moment which could forever change his life and more pivotally forever change her life.


	4. Who is suffering?

**Authors Note:** Here is the fourth chapter for you I want to give a special thanks to Leann Nickerson, Heaven hearted and Patsy for always reviewing. I really appreciate every review and it makes me really happy when people favourite or follow my story.

**Disclaimer: **Sadly I still don't own any part of Grey's Anatomy…

* * *

_Have you ever thought that accidents might not be hardest for the patients themselves but for their relatives? Because when you are in a coma you don't notice the things happening around you. If something is wrong with you, you are the only person to feel it, while others have to worry about you not telling them everything that is going on. You don't have to be scared of dying because if you do, life is just over. You don't have to deal with anything anymore, but your relatives they live on, they get confronted by the grief of your passing, but it's still about you because you're the one who isn't breathing anymore. _-Richard Webber

* * *

Three days after the car accident Miranda Bailey was worried, but not about her intern, well obviously she was worried about her too, but right now she was mainly worried about one of the greatest neurosurgeons the country had ever seen Dr Derek Shepherd. It was not only that he had barely slept ever since the accident had happened, but he had also not exited her room for a single time except for getting coffee, and this you could really tell by his smell.

* * *

Derek looked up when Miranda entered the room, he had hoped for an update. He had hoped for her to come in and tell him that his wife would wake up within the next few hours and miraculously be fine like she always said she was, but he knew this was realistically not what was going to happen. So instead of telling the man in front of her that he would soon be able to look into that gorges pair of grey eyes and hear that wonderful giggle he loved so much Dr Bailey ordered, "Dr Shepherd go home, take a shower, eat something and sleep for at least a handful of hours, after that you can come back, but I don't want to see you anywhere near this room up until you have gotten that smell of yours under control."

She knew that that was not what Derek Shepherd wanted to hear. She knew that he didn't want to leave Meredith, that he wanted to be there when she woke up, but nobody could know when that was going to happen or even if it was going to happen and then he shouldn't stink as he did at that moment.

"I can't. I can't leave her alone Miranda" Derek said desperately.

"You won't, Karev's shift ends in less than five minutes and I could bet with you that he won't be leaving her side for a single second, and if he does, either Richard or I myself will be here at all times to make sure she is never and I reaped never alone," Bailey told him.

Derek was still not happy about the idea of him not being there for her but eventually, he gave in. There was just no point in fighting the Nazi. If she told you to do something there was not the slightest bit of a chance that you wouldn't be doing it at some point. As Derek finally left the ICU Miranda said with a less professional sounding voice, "Derek she is going to be fine, you have to believe in her, you can't give up on her, not yet, not as long as there is still a chance, not as long as we haven't done everything and I mean everything that is in our power." He looked back at her with tears running out of his ocean blue eyes and shortly afterwards he was gone.

* * *

When Derek got back to the hospital the next day Meredith was still intubated and in a coma, and although he knew that it would have been unlikely for her to wake up while he was gone he hadn't lost hope. But as he started thinking about it longer he realised that it wouldn't even have made any sense if she had woken up because the only reason why she was in that coma was because it was medically induced to help her body recover from all the trauma it was subjected to and to prevent her from moving while her spinal injuries were still healing.

He sat down in the chair next to her bed in which Alex Karev had just spent the last eight hours up until his next shift had started. Derek listened to the regular beep of the heart rate monitor while trying to ignore the sound of the ventilator breathing for the love of his life. He still didn't get why she couldn't just be fine for once, not Meredith fine, really fine. He didn't get why life was throwing all these bad things at her when she was only trying to forget about the things that had already happened. Just as Derek started thinking about all the possibilities of what could happen next, Dr Webber entered the room with a smile on his face, which went totally unnoticed by Derek. He was startled before he finally recognized the elderly man standing in front of him.

"Derek, I have to ask you to leave," Richard Webber said before being interrupted by the usually so optimistic man, "no, I just came back I won't leave her again!"

"You didn't let me finish, I wanted to ask you to leave to get a nurse so that we can get Meredith to wake up" acknowledged Richard when he was finally able to continue his sentence.

It took Derek some time to understand the words that had just been said to him, but when he did, he stormed out of the room up to the nurse's station. He could not wait any longer to hear her sweet snoring again.


	5. Patience

**Authors Note:** Hey guys since I'm not a doctor I have no idea if what I wrote makes any sense medically wise and I'm not a native speaker either, so if you find any mistakes I'll be happy to correct them just review or send me a message.

**Disclaimer: **Since neither ABC nor Shonda have overwritten me any rights I still don't own anything...

* * *

_We grow impatient when bad things happen because time doesn't seem to pass. And as long as we have no insurance that everything is going to be fine the time hangs heavy on our hands. Seconds seem to last for minutes, minutes seem like hours and hours don't even seem like days anymore they seem to not have an ending at all. But giving up is not an option. Because there are people who we have to fight for. _\- Meredith Grey

Although Derek was a doctor and should know that it can take some time for someone to wake up from a medically induced coma, he was very impatient. He grew more and more worried with every minute that she didn't wake up, which was totally unreasonable because it had only been an hour since they had stopped giving her sedatives. Actually, he should have been more worried if she had woken up that fast because that would have meant the sedatives they gave her hadn't been strong enough and that she probably would have been in a lot of pain while she was in the coma.

Several hours later Alex entered the room asking Derek: "Has she woken up yet?"

"No" Derek answered not bothering to upper his look.

For the next few hours, they were just sitting there each holding one of her hands until Derek felt a small movement in his. "I think she just wiggled her fingers," he said.

Alex looked up at Derek and then quickly moved on to Meredith as he saw her slowly open her eyes. When she started coughing he said: "I'll get Bailey!"

Derek was so happy that she was finally awake but at the same time, he saw the amounts of pain she must be suffering from in her expression and that hurt him a lot.

"Mer, I'm here you'll be fine, everything is going to be fine," said Derek with a dropping voice.

By the time Bailey entered the ICU room with a nurse Mer had stopped coughing and calmed done. "Glad to see you awake Grey, we'll get that breathing tube out right away," said Bailey doing some last exams before continuing, "I'll need you to cough up one last time so I can pull it out."

When Mer was finally able to talk again she said with fear in her voice, "Derek, I can't feel my legs..." Her heart rate monitor started beeping faster as panic overcame her.

"You have to calm down. Just take a deep breath," Miranda tried.

Derek put down the railing and laid next to her. He stroked her hair as her breathing slowly shallowed.

"Someone page Nelson," Bailey order again with her Nazi voice.

* * *

They took Meredith to CT. "Her scans are coming up," said Derek. "Can you see this?" Dr Nelson asked pointing on the monitor. "I can Nelson, did you forget that I'm a neurosurgeon myself?!" Derek exclaimed anger coming up in him.

"Dr Grey, your scans show that there is a swelling which is pressing down on your spinal cord which is causing you not to feel your legs." Dr Nelson told Meredith. "So how do we proceed?" Meredith asked confidently. As Dr Nelson hesitated Meredith continue now more anxiously, "you can do something, right?"

"We can't do anything as of now, but it is very likely that it will go down by itself." Dr Nelson started, "but you have to be patient, this could take a day or two but it could also very well be that it takes 6 months," he emphasized.

* * *

**Don't forget to favourite and review**


	6. What did we forget?

**Authors Note: **Please keep reviewing and if you haven't favorited this story yet make sure to do so too. I am sorry that I didn't upload last week I just had a lot of things on my mind and then I simply forgot.

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, neither Shonda nor ABC have bothered to give me the show which leads to me still not owning a thing...

* * *

_I was never aware of all those things I had. I was never aware of how important it was for me to feel my legs. I was not aware of the fact that this privilege could just be taken away from me within such a short time. I could have never imagined this. I had lost things before. I had lost my sister. I had lost one of my best friends. And I had also lost my mother who I never really had in the first place. But this was totally different. Because I would be reminded of this nonstop. It's not that I never think about Lexi or George but I could always forget about them just for a short amount of time while in the OR or having sex with Derek. But these were both things that I couldn't do anymore. Surely there were other ways for me and Derek to have our "fun" but we would definitely have to wait until my spinal injury was fully healed and it wouldn't be the same either, it probably wouldn't be as great._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

In the past month, Meredith had watched more TV than in the rest of her whole entire life. She was bored, she had never really pulled a sick day not because she was never sick but because her mother wouldn't have wanted to stay home for her. And Meredith was already a disappointment to her so she did anything trying to please her mother. Ellis herself worked 48-hour shifts with a fever of over 105ºF. She thought that was the only way to become extraordinary and it must have worked out for her because the award-winning women who coincidentally lived under the same roof as Meredith did become one of the best-known female surgeons in the world.

Meredith didn't really have anything to do but to lay in a hospital bed all day and that was not all that entertaining. So she was really happy when Bailey finally entered the room with her discharge papers followed by Derek with a wheelchair.

"Ready to go home Grey?" Bailey asked.

"Yes, finally," Meredith replied with a kind of annoyed sounding voice.

At this Derek rolled his eyes and then offered to her: "Do you want me to help you?" Meredith didn't like being dependent on others but since she could not move or feel her legs it was kind of hard for her to get up.

"I think so," she said just happy to actually be able to leave this room for more than ten minutes at a time.

* * *

"I don't know what but I feel like we forgot something," Derek said while pulling up into the driveway.

"The feeling in my legs is what we forgot," Meredith replied sarcastically.

After Derek had helped her from the car seat into her wheelchair and broad her up to the front door. He suddenly realized what he forgot, "I'm so sorry Mer, I didn't think about this…" "About what?" Meredith asked confused but as Derek opened the door she knew what he was talking about. There was simply no way for her to come up the stairs into their bedroom.

"I'll get someone to find a solution to this okay?" Derek told her.

"Yeah, I think I'm just going to stay on the sofa tonight," Meredith said tiredly.

"No, I'll bring you upstairs, you just had major surgery you shouldn't be staying on the couch," Derek replied.

"I'm fine Derek really it's not such a big deal, I mean it's not like my legs could become sore or anything," she said annoyed.

"Mer, please it's not good for your physical therapy sessions if your muscles are stiff and not flexible."

"Derek I'm not flexible, did you forget?" Meredith now joked thinking of a conversation they had a few years back before all these things happened before she knew about Addison and before he found out about her mother's Alzheimer's.

"Don't try to avoid this subject it's important," Derek tried to stay serious but wasn't able to suppress a small chuckle.

* * *

Meredith was sitting on the toilet lid brushing her teeth it didn't take long for her to give in. Derek was right she shouldn't be staying on the sofa but only because she knew that it didn't mean that she had to accept it. It didn't feel real to her just yet. She wasn't ready to face the fact that she might never walk again and will always be dependent on a wheelchair and also on other people. This was the hardest part for her since she had always done everything on her own. Her mother had never even bothered to help her with her homework not even to talk about things like science projects. Meredith was raised to be independent so how should she of all people now suddenly adapt to having to ask for help?

This whole situation wasn't easy on Derek either. The last time that she didn't work for such a long time was when she gave Thatcher a part of her liver but back then they still knew that she would come back and although Derek was sure that she would come back this time as well he knew that she had already given up on this the day she had awaken from the coma."

"Ready to go to bed?" He asked entering the bathroom.

"I think so," Meredith replied while being picked up by Derek.

He laid her down on the bed and before he was able to ask her if she needed anything else she was already sound asleep. He lay there for hours just watching her and listening to that sweet snoring.

* * *

When his alarm went off in the morning he hurried to shut it up so it wouldn't wake his still sleeping wife. But he realized he had been too slow when he was faced with a beautiful pair of eyes looking right through his own.

"What time is it?" She asked sleepily.

"5:30, I'm sorry I forgot to turn it off," Derek told her.

"It's fine I've already slept enough for the next ten years," said Meredith yawning.

Derek let out a small chuckle knowing his wife just too well, which is why he exactly knew the answer to the next question he would ask: "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Meredith said gaining a suspicious look from Derek.

* * *

It was half-past twelve pm when Derek wheeled Meredith to his car to bring her to her pt session.

Just as he wanted to pull out onto the street Meredith screamed: "Wait, I can't do this I'm too scared!"

Derek hoped it was only a momentary thing but with every second passing, she became more anxious. "Shh, it's going to be all right, I'm here now. This isn't going to happen again. I promise," Derek tried to calm her as she now started sobbing harder.

"I don't get it. Why is the universe so screwed up? What did I do so wrong in life that I deserve all this? I just want to be happy for once. I want to have a normal life like everyone else gets to have. But instead, I got a mother who didn't even bother to come to my graduation which is why I was scared of letting my other family into my life until it was too late, until they all died. And then us being in a plane crash seeing how my sister takes her last breath which is why I'm scared of flying now. And now I can't even be in a car anymore without having a freaking panic attack!" Meredith now shouted.

* * *

**I've noticed that I mainly write about the feelings of the characters and keep referring to the past a lot and therefore don't do that much storytelling. Should I continue this way or do it differently?**

**Please leave your opinion and don't forget to favor also if you have any specific idea of what you want to happen please leave it as well or sent me a personal message. I have finished the main storyline bout as I said before I might want to do more storytelling but don't have so many ideas… ‡ )**


	7. Wasting even more time is just freaking

**Authors Note: **I'm really truly sorry that this chapter is a little late and short again. I lost my notebook (yes I still write my thoughts down on actual paper) and therefore everything I had written down for this chapter was gone and I also went to Sweden today and we left before four in the morning so I was busy packing and doing other stuff all day yesterday.

**Disclaimer: **For some odd reason I still don't own any part of Grey's Anatomy nor any of their characters…

* * *

_I've decided to accept my situation and start to live my life again because it is like Jim Rohn ones said: "Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present." After people lose things they often get lost in their grieve which is kind of stupid when you think about it. Traumatic incidences should show you that life is short and you should enjoy every bit of it. But instead they waste even more time. Because they are scared to accept it._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

"Good evening Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Anderson greeted Derek.

"Good evening Dr. Anderson, How did it go?" he asked.

"We are progressing well," the physical therapist replied before turning back to his patient. "Bye Meredith, good work today, I'll see you tomorrow," said he starting to leave.

"Derek it's been eight months, this doesn't work it only hurts. Please let me just stop I've put up with it, I'll never walk again it's fine." Meredith said honestly after Dr. Anderson was gone. She had just finished another very painful session of physical therapy and although she was kind of enthusiastic at the beginning that slowly wore off until she finally gave up. She didn't like the idea of not being able to operate again but she was starting to accept it.

Derek had seen this coming he had begged her to get new scans done but she refused. 'Her usual stubbornness,' he thought. But he found it to be cute in some way. Derek still thought that Meredith would heal but he saw that even if she wouldn't she could be fine. She had started to go to support groups and even if she didn't want him to know they basically owned the hospital so it was only a matter of time until he found out. He hadn't told her he knew about it but he saw that it made her happier.

"Let's just go home we can talk about this tomorrow," said he as he started pushing her wheelchair out of the room.

* * *

On their way home Meredith asked: "What did you do all day?"

"Just some usual work," Derek answered not wanting to up sad her with the fact that he had been doing surgery all day.

"Oh come on Derek, tell me what you did exactly. I might not be able to operate myself right now but I'm still a surgeon you know. I'm starving to at least be in an OR audibly," said Meredith knowing there was more to his story.

"Okay this was really cool, the patient presented with…" He started excitedly.

Meredith was the happiest she had been in months and although it was not much Derek was starting to see her as the person she was before the accident again.

* * *

"So you talked to Christina?" Derek asked.

"Yes, she has just finished another trial, I think she is really happy over there," Meredith replied with a smile which dropped only second later when Derek continued, "And you still haven't told her yet?"

"No, and I won't it would probably only force her to go onto a tiny plane which could crash and that wouldn't be good for any of us now would it?" Meredith asked, "Besides you're the one who always says that everything is going to be okay."

"But you and Christina used to talk, you even told her about your pregnancy before you told me," Derek said.

"That didn't even matter the baby died anyways," Meredith replied.

"Let's talk about something else, what do you want for dinner?" Derek asked.

"I'll cook," Meredith stated.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, I mean we both know how that ended last time…" He responded referring to the day when Meredith tried to make breakfast for Lexi.

"I know how to cook I had a lot of free time lately, so could you please just hand me the cooking pot," asked Meredith with a little bit of an annoyed gaze.

"But you know that warming up leftovers is not cooking," Derek said using his chance to tease her just a little bit more.

"I do so just give me that freaking pot," Meredith answered.

Derek looked at her chuckling while starting to pull out the cooking pot out of their messy cupboard. That was when all their stuff suddenly flew out of it and crashed onto Meredith's lab.

"Aw shit!" She exclaimed.

"I'm so sorry are you okay Mer?" Derek asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, could you just help me get these off of my legs?" Meredith questioned.

"Sure," said Derek looking a little guilty until realization suddenly hit him and he asked with hope coming up in his voice: "Wait did you feel that?"

* * *

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	8. I'm a normal patient

**Authors Note:** Thank you guys for coming back. I'm still not a doctor so what I'm writing is probably complete bullshit, so if you want to become a doctor this is not the right place for you to be. I'm not a native speaker either so I would be pleased to hear about all the mistakes you can find.

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of their characters…

* * *

_Miracles happen when we least expect them. They can be wonderful, sometimes even lifesaving. I've been waiting for a miracle to happen for months but it never did. And then in the exact moment where I put up with it never happening it did. I wouldn't have needed it anymore, I would have been fine both ways. I'm always fine but the miracle did happen which I'm still more than grateful for._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

"Wait did you feel that?" Derek asked.

"Yes, I did," Meredith answered not believing what had just happened.

"We should go to the hospital and get new scans done," said Derek already starting to go for the door.

"Wait! It's 12 am this can wait let's just go tomorrow there's probably not much we can do anyways and I still have to show you that I am indeed able to cook eatable food," she responded with a chuckle.

"Okay then, I'll be cleaning up the mess I made," he said starting to pick up all the things that had fallen out of their shelf.

* * *

"You ready?" Derek asked giving her his McDreamy smile and pushing her through the hospital doors as she nodded in response.

After they had talked to Dr. Nelson Derek brought Meredith to the CT room where they had to wait for more than half an hour even with Derek cheating their way through the line.

"I totally forgot that when you have a non-emergency patient you actually have to wait to get those damn scans done, which is kind of ironic because as long as they are unconscious they probably don't notice how long they are waiting," Meredith said jokingly.

"I'm going to find a way to get you in there sooner," said Derek wanting to take off.

"No, this is not an emergency. I am a normal patient like everyone else, so I'm going to wait like everyone else," Meredith told him in an attempt to stop him.

"Well we basically own this hospital so I'd say that you are not just any 'normal' patient," he replied, "and you are my wife so I don't care if everyone else has to wait a little bit longer."

* * *

"I can do this myself," said Meredith when Derek attempted to lift her up.

"Okay," he replied backing off, while Meredith was already positioning herself on the tray.

Derek went into the control room to wait for the images to come up. While he was waiting he talked to Meredith through the intercom.

"How are you feeling Mer?" He asked.

"I'm fine, just a little claustrophobic," she answered, trying not to move too much.

"Okay," Derek responded and then there was an awkward silence. He wanted to break it. He wanted to distract her from the annoying CT scan and so he asked: "What did you and Cristina talk about on the phone yesterday?"

But this didn't really help. When Meredith and Cristina talked to each other there was barely anything personal and although Cristina had always been a little closed up about personal matters Meredith used to be her person. She and Cristina kind of lost their connection at some point. Not only because she went to Switzerland though. It happened before that. Derek's question stayed unanswered so the awkward silence remained. The first words weren't spoken until the scans had come up.

"So what do they show?" Meredith asked while sitting back down in her wheelchair.

"The swelling has started to go down which is probably why you are starting to get the sensation in your legs back," Derek responded. "But since your spine is still dislocated and broken this could lead to it pressing against the spinal cord as the swelling goes down further," he added.

"And what do you do now?" Meredith questioned.

"I am going to be a loving husband because as much as I'd like for you to be my patient the hospital would probably never allow me to cut into my own wife," Derek told her.

"So I'm going to need another surgery?" She asked again.

"Yes and although Nelson has my respect as a college and probably didn't make any mistakes the last time he opened you up I'm not going to let him near my wife with a scalpel as long as there are better options. I will phone Dr. Härtl he was the chief of spinal surgery at the hospital where I did my residency. I think that he will probably want to wait until the swelling has gone down completely but I am going to send him the scans and wait to hear about his opinion," Derek informed her.

* * *

"Dr. Härtl said what I had already expected, he wants to wait with the surgery until the swelling has completely gone down. He also wants to mirror you closely, which is why he wants you transferred to New York and in the hospital while you are there. Maybe we could see my family again," Derek said as casually as he possibly could.

"So I'll not only be stuck in a hospital room all day, but I'll also have to face your sisters from whom I've only met one so far and as you might remember that didn't go too well," said Meredith really not being big on that whole family thing.

"But my mum loves you and the only reason why Nancy didn't is that she loves Addie and was taking any chance to let me think that I made the wrong choice and she is the hardest of them anyways," Derek tried to convince her.

* * *

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	9. Admitted

**Authors Note:**Thanks to everyone who is still reading this. I'm sorry if this chapter isn't too great but I wrote most of it sometime last night and I couldn't really come up with a lot. But I still hope that you will enjoy it.

**Disclaimer: **I still do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the show's characters except for those I came up with myself of course…

* * *

_I'm not a family person, I never have been and probably never will be. The only family I ever had, the only real family I ever had at least was my sister Lexi but she is dead and Derek of course but he doesn't count because he is just Derek. I'm going to have spinal surgery again and most people would probably be terrified by that, but instead, I'm more nervous about meeting my sisters-in-law._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

Meredith and Derek where one of the first to board the plane because of Meredith "disability" that might not be one for much longer. After Meredith had taken her seat Derek put their bags into the luggage rack and sat down next to her.

At the airport, they took a rental car. It was a black Mercedes. When they arrived at the hospital it was almost 10 pm and as it is in hospitals if you are not an emergency patient you are going to have to wait. It was already after midnight when Meredith finally got admitted. She and Derek still talked for a long time until they both fell asleep in that tiny hospital bed.

* * *

Meredith woke up to some interns talking to each other: "Who should I wake first?" asked one of them.

"I don't know maybe we should just wait until Dr. Härtl arrives," suggested the other one and just in the exact moment that he finished his sentence the elderly doctor entered the room.

"Good morning Dr. Lewis, Dr. Williams," greeted he. "Good morning Dr. Grey"

"Who presents?" asked Dr. Härtl.

"Meredith Grey, admitted yesterday evening. Suffered from a car accident eight months ago which caused temporal paralysis from T6 down due to swelling pressing against the spinal cord. The swelling has started to go down one week ago. We are positive that when the swelling has gone down completely we will be able to continue with a stabilizing procedure," said one of the interns.

"Good Williams," said Dr. Härtl. "How are you feeling?" he then asked Meredith.

"As in how much I'm feeling or if there is any pain?" she asked.

"Both," he answered.

"Well, I gain more and more sensation as time passes but there is also some discomfort, I'd say about a six," she told him.

"Okay, I want to get some new scans done, I've seen the ones taken in Seattle but as I'm sure you know they are already too old, a lot can have changed in that time," Dr. Härtl explained.

"Dr. Williams will take you but maybe you should wake up your husband first," he chuckled a bit referring to Derek.

* * *

"How are you Mer?" Derek asked via the intercom of the CT room.

"I think I feel some pain in my lower back but I'm more concerned about your sisters visiting later. Why exactly did you have to ask them to come?" She asked.

"Because if I hadn't they would have probably got that idea by themselves," he told her.

"Then why did you have to tell them we were here in the first place?" She asked again not really happy about the situation.

"They are my sisters Mer, I haven't seen them in years and Nancy works here so I would have probably run into her at some point and then they would have been really mad. This way they at least won't think that you don't want to meet them," Derek said.

"It's not that I don't want to meet them. I just think that they don't really want to meet me I'm the exact opposed of your last wife and at least Nancy really seemed to love her," she explained.

"We've been married for almost five years, of course, they want to meet their sister-in-law and my mother will be there too and she loves you. That ring that you are usually wearing it was hers and she didn't give it to me for Addison, she gave it to you because she thinks that you are the one and I think so too," he tried to convince her.

"The scans are coming up, I'm going to page Dr. Härtl," said the intern that broad her there.

* * *

"As you can see here the swelling has gone down further," Dr. Härtl said pointing on a spot on one of the films. "If it keeps progressing like this we should be able to proceed some time next week," he continued. "There for it is important that you move as little as possible. We might even give you a catheter so that you don't have to go to the bathroom," he finished off.

"No, please not anything but that I really don't want to have to pee into a bag," Meredith said.

"We'll see what we can do," Dr. Härtl offered. "Nice to see you again Derek."

"Nice to see you too," answered Derek as the doctor started to leave.

* * *

"Hey Derek, want to grab some lunch?" Nancy asked suddenly appearing behind her brother.

"I can't, I'll have to get back to Mer, I just wanted to get a coffee," he said pointing at the coffee vending machine. "What are you doing here anyway, this is not your department it's on the other side of the hospital."

"I was just looking out for my little brother, making sure he isn't just screwing some dirty ten-year-old," said she.

"Okay, that's enough Nancy! Meredith is a grown woman, she is an attending and I love her more than anything else. She earns your full respect and if you can't give her that then I'm really sorry," Derek said angrily.

* * *

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**Any suggestions on what should happen with Derek's sisters would be appreciated ‡ )**


	10. Phobia

**Authors Note: **In this story Meredith hasn't met any of Derek's sisters yet accept for Nancy. And I pretty much ignored everything we found out about them at the diner with Link and Amy since I started this chapter before that episode aired.

**Disclaimer: **I'm still not a native speaker so feel free to correct me on any mistakes you find. And I still don't own a thing of Grey's.

* * *

_Approximately 10 percent of people in the U.S. have specific phobias. They are divided into two categories social phobia and agoraphobia. For agoraphobia exposure therapy has shown to be a successful treatment option. At first they show you pictures of spiders or toads or whatever you are afraid of. Later on they will bring one into the therapy session. In the end you might have to touch them, but they take baby steps. With social phobias this does not really work that well. For example for people who suffer from Pentheraphobia, which is the fear of your mother-in-law, this won't work out. You can't just keep showing them pictures and videos of her until they are ready to have a look at your mother in a cage or behind a glass wall. Well, maybe you could do that but it would be very weird and most likely contra productive. Taking it one step at a time is not that easy with this so pentheraphobic people just get thrown in their, without any real preparation._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

"Where have you been?" asked Meredith as Derek reentered her room.

"I was just grabbing some coffee, how are you feeling?" He asked back.

"I'm fine, how are you?" she replied fully well knowing that he was asking because of the surgery.

"I'm fine too, but I'm not about to be having spinal surgery for a second time," Derek said curiously.

"When are your sisters going to be here?" She asked in an attempted to change the subject.

"They said that they would be here at around three but as I know them they are always early so I wouldn't be too surprised if they popped in any second now," he answered. "You should get some more rest," he added.

"Derek, I'm not sick! I'm injured, which sucks but doesn't steal all my energy. I've slept more than you did and I'm not the tiniest bit exhausted because lying in bed all day doesn't do that to someone," Meredith told him with frustration. She had just started to believe that Derek would see her as a normal person again, that he would treat her as he did before all of this had happened. But apparently this whole thing changed him too. He was not who he used to be anymore. He wasn't as optimistic as he had been but rather over carefully. He had always been protective but not the way he was then. He often didn't even bare to touch her because he was too scared of hurting her. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

* * *

"Hey, you must be that slutty intern my baby brother got married to," a tall brunette woman said before she had even fully entered the hospital room. Meredith didn't seem to be very happy about the comment her apparent sister-in-law made.

"Nice to see you too Lizzie, I assume you've talked to Nancy," Derek replied also not happy about his big sisters behavior.

"I had to talk to someone since you didn't seem to think it was necessary to inform your family that you were getting married," Lizzie defended herself, "Besides I was not even serious, I know better then to listen to the crap Nancy says. I'm sorry Meredith I just had to bully my little brother a bit for not telling anyone that he has been remarried for five years, it's nice meeting you."

This lightened the mood a bit but Meredith still clearly felt uncomfortable.

"Is mom coming too?" Derek asked Lizzie very much hoping, that she would give him a positive answer for Meredith's sake as she had already met her and he knew for a fact that his mother liked or even loved her.

"She wasn't sure if she could make it yet because she had some sort of an appointment, but if she can't come today she said to tell you she would visit some other time this week to see how you guys are doing," Lizzie replied, forwarding what her mother had told her. The more she talked the more Meredith noticed how much she and Derek were alike, she even had that McDreamy look, not the worried one which he had been giving her way to much lately but the optimistic one which Meredith was so desperately missing and needing from her husband. It gave her the comfort she was looking for.

* * *

About 15 minutes after Lizzie had entered the room the rest of the so called wolf pack followed, all except for Nancy who still didn't seem to be very keen on seeing her sister-in-law again.

Amy and Kathleen also seemed to have a liking for the addition to the family. They kept a light conversation until one of them brought up Nancy.

"Do you know where our eldest sister is?" Amy asked, which seemed to make Meredith uncomfortable again as she moved further underneath her blanked.

"I don't know and to be honest I don't really care either. She's been so respect less towards Mer that I think it is not such a bad thing if she keeps her space for now," Derek said.

"You shouldn't take what Nancy says personal, she just couldn't stand seeing Derek had found a better spouse than she did and she also is just a bit special to say it nicely," Kathleen added looking towards Meredith.

"She's right Nancy can be a bit of a head scratcher, but she'll come around," Amy agreed with her sister.

They all stayed until visiting hours were over and a nurse came in to send them out, Derek tried arguing with her that he could stay but Meredith also demanded on him leaving for the night so that she could have her bad to herself and he would be able to take a shower and get some actual sleep.

* * *

**AN**

I'm so very sorry for not having updated in month, school started over again and I had some personal stuff going on. I am also really stressed right now because I started doing a lot more music some of which as a preparation for university and that added to school doesn't leave me with a bunch of free time so I can't promise that I am actually back. This might be the only time I updated for a longer time of period but I'll try my best to actually finish this at some point of time.

**Any favorites, follows and as specially reviews would be appreciated and might motivate me to update again.**


	11. It gets worse before it gets better

**Disclaimer: **I still do not own any of the real characters or the show. Nor have I magically become a native speaker overnight.

* * *

_Often before we can help the patient it's going to get worse. For example, when someone has cancer they might come into the hospital without experiencing any problems. And then we have to poison them and put them through extensive radiation. That's what's going to make them sick and vomit, lose their hair or make them lose weight. It has to get worse before it gets better. _

-Meredith Grey

* * *

It was the middle of the night when suddenly a lout scream was heard from Meredith room. She felt a sharp pain pulling through her spine that pulled her away from her dreams. Some nurse came running in and was followed by the intern Dr. Lewis.

"Dr. Grey, is everything okay?" he asked completely overchallenged.

"Everything is just fine, that's why I'm cramping together and screaming in pain," Meredith replied sarcastically, annoyed by the intern's stupid question.

"Okay emm sorry," he didn't know what to do. "I'm going to give you something to relax your muscles, so that there won't be any further damage done. Than I'm going to page Dr. Härtl and send you for an MRI."

"Do you really want to put me into a giant magnet, when there are metal screws in my spine?" She argued, getting even more annoyed by the intern and suffering from the pain.

"No, of course not. Take her for a CT and could someone please page Dr. Härtl," the intern requested.

* * *

When she was through with the scans, Dr. Härtl came to discuss the results with her: "Okay, Meredith I have reviewed your results and I know that you won't like this, but we are going to have to either put in a catheter or give you a diaper as well as put you into a spinal brace."

"Is there really no other way?" She asked desperate for another solution.

"Unfortunately not. As I told you before, you must move as little as possible, that includes not going to the bathroom. We might also have to sedate your lower body, that would then definitely result in a catheter. I'll have one of my interns bring the spinal brace. Any preferences who it should be?" Dr. Härtl let her choose.

"Anybody but that Dr. Lewis, he nearly killed me early," Meredith replied exaggerating a bit, "Could I also get a morphine drip?"

"I'll tell the intern to do that as well and I'll see what I can do about Dr. Lewis," he chuckled and left the room.

* * *

"Hey Mer, how did you sleep?" Derek asked approaching her bed.

"Just fine." She had only got a few more hours of sleep after everything going on tonight so she was still really tiered. But she didn't want to talk about it so she just hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Really? Than why did I have an intern asking me whether you had got any more sleep after you woke up in pain?" Derek again asked.

"I'm going to kill that intern," she swore to herself, "My spine shifted a bit but I'm fine. That only means I'm going to get my surgery sooner."

"Okay, but next time please tell me when something like this happens," Derek said with a caring voice.

"Okay," Meredith was surprised but very glad that he didn't make a big deal out of it.

She moved a bit to the side of her bed to make room for Derek and motioned for him to lie down next to her. They talked a bit until Meredith finally fell asleep again.

* * *

At about 1 pm Dr. Härtl and Dr. Williams came into her room to give her a quick check up and make sure everything was okay. By now Derek had moved to the chair next to Meredith, who was still sleeping soundly.

"Hallo Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Härtl greeted.

"Nice to see you Dr. Härtl," Derek replied. He put away the medical journal he'd been reading and made his way over to the bed to wake Meredith. He stroked her hair and then whispered into her ear carefully: "Hey Mer, time to wake up."

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she slowly awoke. When she was fully awake Dr. Härtl asked her to carefully try to sit up, so that he could examine her. She obeyed his order and sat up slowly which wasn't as easy as she thought because of the spinal brace.

"Good, I need you to try and stay as still as possible, because I'll take off your spinal brace now and we want to avoid any further shifting," he told her and assiduously freed her from the splint.

Meredith winced in pain as Dr. Härtl continued to examine her spine. After he had replaced the brace and helped her to lie back down he said: "Okay Meredith, judging by the scans we took earlier and the check-up I just performed I am quite certain that we will be able to presume with the surgery sooner than we initially expected. I'd say in about two to three days. But I also think that we should sedate your lower body, because I'm concerned about the movement happening because of swelling going down."

"So I'll need a catheter?" Meredith asked, already knowing the answer but not wanting to accept it.

"I must say yes. Any other questions?" the elderly doctor replied.

Meredith shook her head so Derek said: "I think we're good."

"Okay than, I'll see you later," he said leaving the room.

After Meredith's doctors had left Derek noticed that she seemed a bit sad. "Hey, you alright?"

"Yeah, I just want to go back to work and have my old live back. I want to stand in surgery all day and complain about being pulled into surgery minutes before my shift should end. I simply want this all to finally be over," Meredith said know crying.

"Me too," Derek replied quietly stroking her hair, "me too."

* * *

**AN**

Hey, hope anyone is still here. If you are please let me know by reviewing and favoring, following if you haven't done so yet. I actually made it and although I can't promise anything I am quite positive I'll be able to continue this story (any reviews could be very motivating). I hope you all are okay with everything going on right now. The last dialog between Meredith and Derek somehow reminds me of how I feel in the current situation. If you have any suggestions at all what should happen next please let me now. I am also thinking about renaming this story so don't be confused if it's suddenly called something else.


	12. Awareness

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own any of Grey's. Still not a native speaker.

* * *

_We are often not aware of things that are happening around us because we are so busy. When we then get pulled into awareness it can either be a beautiful thing or the worst we have ever experienced. We might suddenly notice the beautiful tree we pass by every day or maybe the little boy playing on the street with a big smile on his face greeting us every morning. But sometimes we might also become aware of all the bad things around us. All the poverty and pain people are experiencing and all the injustice around us._

-Meredith Grey

* * *

"Okay Meredith," Dr. Härtl said, "judging by your scans and the physical exam we performed, I think we are good to take you into surgery tomorrow. I am just going to stop the sedation of your legs so that we'll be able to know how much sensation you have regained yet. However, I still don't want you to move and I must warn you that it might be very uncomfortable and even painful. If you need any more pain medication be sure to page a nurse. I'll check in on you in a few hours and see how you're doing."

"Thanks Dr. Härtl" Meredith said.

"You're welcome," he replied leaving the room.

"I'll finally be able to stand again," Meredith gave Derek a look full of joy.

"What is the first thing you want to do, when this is over?" Derek asked.

"I want to walk around our land and stand in surgery all day," Meredith replied, "then I want to spent the night with you in our bed doing what we always do."

"Well maybe I can give you a little teaser for the later one," Derek told her with a smirk on his face.

"Oh no, not in the hospital," she chuckled pushing him back into the chair.

* * *

The next time Dr. Härtl checked in on Meredith it was about 6pm and she was fully high on morphine.

"Huhu Dr. Harpy," she said waving at him.

"I see they gave her the good stuff," he laughed at Derek.

"They most certainly did," Derek replied.

"Judging by the amount of morphine they gave her, she must have been in a lot of pain?" Dr. Härtl asked Derek.

"Yes, she was. She almost started to cramp again," he told him stroking Mer's hair as she looked at him like a little child.

"Okay, but that's good, that probably means she has regained most of her sensation," Dr. Härtl scribbled something into her chart. "As soon as my intern arrives we'll do some further examination."

Just in that moment Dr. Williams came running into the room breathlessly saying: "I'm sorry Dr. Härtl, there were some problems."

"If you could just place the electrodes along her legs and spine," The spinal surgeon instructed ignoring the apology. The intern did as he was told and Dr. Härtl asked him what else needed to be done.

"Since we are going to send little electronic shocks through her body, that could lead to her moving, we must make sure that she doesn't do so too much, so I suggest that we strap her down for this procedure as specially since she is only semi-aware of what is going on around her," the intern said. He had also noticed that Meredith was a bit high.

"That's right, go ahead," Dr. Härtl told him.

As they proceeded Meredith flinched once in a while but other than that she seemed totally fine.

When they were finished Dr. Härtl asked the intern: "Dr. Williams can you tell us what our results mean?"

"It seems as if Dr. Grey has regained almost all of the sensation in her legs, I think…" he was interrupted by Meredith stating: "I'm Dr. Grey, my mother was also Dr. Grey, but she is dead now." She chuckled.

"That's right, I think that we can take _you_ to surgery tomorrow morning, so it is good that _you_ have stopped nutrition already." The intern continued a bit mixed up by Meredith comment.

"Good, tomorrow morning we'll take a last set of scans and then I don't see why we can't operate. So I'll book an OR. Any questions Derek?" Dr. Härtl asked him purposefully ignoring Meredith.

"I don't think so, see you tomorrow," Derek replied.

"See you tomorrow," He took his things. When he was half way through the door he heard Meredith yelling after him: "Good Night Härtly!"

"Good Night Meredith," he chuckled and closed the door.

* * *

The next morning Meredith was still a bit high. When she was in the CT scanner she asked all kinds of weird questions like: "Is this a space ship?", "What planet are we visiting?", "Has the world turned? Because I'm vertical!" She'll definitely be embarrassed to hear about them, when she is of the heavy drugs.

* * *

Later that morning Dr. Williams and a few nurses came and pushed Mer's bed towards the operating room.

"This is as far as you can go Dr. Shepherd, we'll keep you updated."

"Okay," Derek replied now looking down onto Meredith, "I Love you, see you later."

"Me too, see you," Meredith said rubbing her nose. Derek gave her one last kiss on to the forehead and then she was gone.

* * *

"Ready?" Dr. Härtl asked approaching the operating table.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Meredith replied smiling.

"Okay, then please count back from ten for me," the anesthesiologist said placing the mask over her face.

"Ten, nine, eight…" and then she was asleep.

After they had intubated her, they carefully turned her around and then strapped her down on the table.

"Let's do this," Dr. Härtl said to no one in particular, took the scalpel and slit it down her back.

Half way into the surgery, Dr. Härtl was just about to place another metal plate, when he felt some light movement. "Dr. Monroe, what's going on?!" He yelled at the anesthesiologist.

"I don't know. I am trying to fix it," he replied with the same level of loudness.

Meredith was now almost fully awake and starting to choke and therefor also shake. The terror in her eyes was so visible, you almost got the feeling she was yelling at you.

"Someone, please hold her down, she cannot move!" Dr. Härtl went to Meredith head and knelt down next to her "Meredith I need you to stay as calm as possible. Everything will be already, hang in there." He tried to calm her. She was still utterly terrified and slightly shaking, so he tried again: "You're going to be alright, we're doing our best. Just try to stay still. Everything will be all right."

* * *

**AN**

Here's another chapter actually finished it on Tuesday already but I wanted to get back to a regular schedule. For the future should I try and post regularly again or just upload as soon as I'm done with a chapter? I'd probably try to post on Fridays again. Thanks a lot, to everyone who reviewed on the last chapter. It really means a lot to me. Special thanks to Patsy and Leann Nickerson for your continues support. Almost finished with the next chapter already, reviews are always very motivating. Also, don't forget to favor and follow if you haven't done so yet.


	13. Memories

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own Grey's. Not a native speaker, never have been and probably never will be. Don't hesitate to correct me on any mistakes you might or might not find.

* * *

_People expect from us as doctors to be focused 100% of the time. And we should be. But we are also just humans and as anyone else we need time to rethink. The only difference between us and house painters is that when they use the wrong mixture of colors most of the time they'll be able to overpaint it and if they have to think for a second longer or show their uncertainty it's okay, the wall won't care. But a patient will._

-Dr. Härtl

* * *

"She's back asleep," Dr. Monroe said. Relief wandered through the room like a blow of air.

"How the hell did this happen?" Dr. Härtl wanted know.

"I'm not sure yet. We gave her the usual dose for the general anesthesia, so her body probably overly degraded it," the anesthesiologist suspected.

"Okay, I've got to replace most of the metal plates and screws so could someone please give Dr. Shepherd an update, tell him we are going to take a few hours longer than initially expected and fill him in on what happened?" Dr. Härtl requested. He hoped that there hadn't been done any unfixable damage while she was awake.

He had to take out most of the plates he had already placed and her spine hat shifted a bit so he made sure to bring it back into its usual position. He also accessed all of the possible damage done to her spinal cord and then started to replace all the metal plates and screws.

It was an exhausting surgery. Due to the earlier incident it didn't last for the expected five hours but rather for ten. And there was always that fear, that she'd wake up again. After he had informed Derek. Dr. Härtl was finally able to find an on-call room and get some sleep.

* * *

Derek sat down in Meredith room in the recovery ward and took her hand into his. She was still intubated. Since they had to give her a stronger sedative, it also took her way longer than usual to wake up.

When she finally did wake up, she fought the intubation tube and was therefore choked again. It threw her back into her memories from the surgery and again she had that utterly terrified look on her face. A nurse quickly came and extubated her but those few seconds were pure terror for her.

"Hey Mer, it's okay you're fine," Derek reassured her.

Meredith stayed silent for a second and then broke down crying: "I felt their hands inside me. I felt how they touched my spine. I heard the screwdriver drill into my bone and then I heard them yelling with such uncertainty." Her body was shaking with the sobs going through it.

Derek quickly put down the side bar of her bad and then carefully moved her a bit to the side. He laid down next to her and cautiously put his arms around her. She continued to sob until she finally fell asleep.

Dr. Härtl came in a bit later to check up on her, but Meredith was still asleep. "I don't want to wake her," Derek said, "she was so terrified when she awoke, it seems as if she remembers everything."

"Okay, I think we should definitely send in a psych consult later, to make sure that she doesn't carry any lasting damage from it," Dr. Härtl replied, "We can first take her for new scans, then she can sleep a bit longer but after that I'll have to do the exam."

* * *

Meredith dreamed of what had happened. At first, she only felt some light pressure, then she was aware of movement actually happening inside her. She couldn't purposefully move or give any other signal to show, that she was awake. When she had opened her eyes, she saw the confusion in her doctor's eyes and although he regained his focus quite fast. Those images of uncertainty and yelling were the ones which stuck. The smell of her own blood and the sound of the driller making its way into her spine also remained. In her dream she was bound to a table, a dining table. She tried to run away, but she couldn't. Then there was a person with a usual household screw driver. That person seemed very insecure. He yelled around and then placed the screw driver onto her back and drilled through her flash. She felt every single millimeter that he went into her body and was just begging for him to stop but he wouldn't. He didn't notice her. He just continued. She was now screaming, she just wanted him to stop.

Derek pulled her out of her dream, because _he_ did hear her scream. She was soaked in her on sweat and in deep utter shock. Dr. Härtl was standing in front of her, which made her only more afraid.

"Hey Mer, It's okay. I'm here. You're okay. It's over, everything will be alright," Derek soothed her.

"I, I can't," she stammered.

"Do you want to clean up," Derek asked.

She gave him a nod still staring at Dr. Härtl. "I can get you a wash cloth," the surgeon said, leaving the room. When he was back he only gave Derek the cloth and then left again, telling Derek he'd be back in half an hour.

* * *

As Derek helped Meredith out of her gown she was crying. How did this happen? He tried soothing her put it didn't really help a lot. Derek knew that she'd need professional help eventually but all he could do right now is be there for her and try to give her as much support as possible.

He rubbed the washcloth along her body which seemed to help. Until he reached her back. She slightly flinched but then let him continue.

* * *

Dr. Härtl came back 20 minutes later. Meredith was again laying in Derek's arms.

"Okay Meredith, I know this is an uncomfortable situation but I have to perform your Exam now. Would that be okay for you?"

"I guess." Meredith cautiously freed herself from Derek's grip, who then helped her sit up.

"Please tell me, when you need me to stop. I'll try to walk you through everything I am doing."

When he approached her, he said: "I'll touch your back now, would it be okay if I lift up your shirt?"

Meredith gave him a nod although she was clearly at unease. As he continued with his examination Meredith jumped a bit once in a while but she tried as best as she could to hide her feelings. Though that didn't make them go away. Derek saw that she was about to cry the whole time but didn't say anything. She wanted to be strong, but avoidance is not always the best way of dealing with a problem.

* * *

**AN**

Took me bit longer to finish this chapter than expected. I'm through with my last exam for this year tomorrow but I don't know if or when I'll update again. Follows, favors and especially reviews can be very motivating : ) Also just realized, that I've been writing this for over a year now.


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